vent.

im frustrated with friends who arent friends.

truth.

maybe i just have high expectations? maybe i just hope for friendships that are meaningful. closer than a brother[sister]-friends. go out of their way-friends. considerate selfless-friends. not flavor of the week or month. because i am that far too much.

im really over that.

i think im just expecting what im giving. i've given so much. it seems i dont have anything left.

support.

i want to make art that is worth something. not monetary. worth something bigger. that is thought provoking. causes change. causes hope. changes someones life. i'd be ok if something i produced or created improved one single persons life. i'd be ok with that.

i want to paint a massive tree.

lately my heart has wanted something bigger. bigger than me. i want to be a part of change. at least, if anything, i want to see change in this life.

things you should look at [please]

tom's shoes. do it. they are causing change. in a unique way. its beautiful.

blood:water mission. clean water. enough said.

compassion international. child sponsorship. i've been doing it for years, and it has been a remarkable impact in my own life.

mocha club. there are so many needs. just so many.

anyway. i believe in hope. and i believe every single human being should have some. i just believe that. we are so fortunate. so blessed. lets spread some of those blessings to those who arent as fortunate. life is just too short. way too short.

<3

trouble. trouble.

So. As sweet as this fourth of July gig has been, its also been incredibly boring and slightly uncomfortable. I've been surrounded by more tribal tattoos than I can really imagine, skeevy men who only talk trash about each other and see just how vulgar and filthy they can get their mouths to be, and more disrespect than I care to mention. Shwew. I'm over it. Where are the good men? Seriously. I mean, I'm by no means on the look out on this holiday weekend, but seriously, where are they, in life?!? I know you're out there, sir. I'm not losing hope, but my heart has been less than joyful this weekend. Maybe I'm just naïve, a little too hopeless, ya know? I don't know what it is. I'm gonna soldier on. Maybe I just need a nap. And a shower. Hmm. Oh. Happy fourth of July.

phone bloggy

Today and tomorrow I will drive a golf cart. At the riverfront. Nashville is perfect today. My eye is less black. Come downtown for the fireworks, it should be amazing. From what I'm seeing. Just get here early, bypass some traffic. I love my job this weekend. Easy shmeasy. Oh yeah. I got a car today. In my name. It is a beaut. Ill have it Monday morning, we'll take a ride. Ok. Love you bye.

here goes.

i think im ready to talk about it.

last sunday we left late from chicago. maybe 7pm. noticed as we were getting gas in the west suburbs that the battery was acting a bit odd, wasnt cranking as quickly as it normally does, but figured, lets not stop unless its necessary, lets just get home. we ended up in kentucky about midnight. indiana is a bitch. really. how long does it take to drive through. anyway. we had to get gas. as soon as i filled up, i tried cranking. the batterys gone. how the heck are we going to remedy this. praise the Lord that a young couple jumped the car, but what a bummer that i would have to take my car in to get a new battery or a new something on monday.

we sang the entire paramore record at the top of our lungs. we tried to outdo each other on lame songs.

then we went to country for a bit. i started with some johnny, and then one thing led to another and we were on taylor swifts record. i didnt mind. it was about 2 in the morning. we were so close to tennessee.

there were two, maybe three, deer staring at me. i will never ever forget their eyes. it just happened so quickly. i swerved to the left, then over corrected and spun. emilia said thats when we flipped. three or four times. praise God i dont remember. i remember closing my eyes. and then opening them. and looking for my phone. but i was sitting on the ceiling of my car. and there was stuff everywhere. i mean, everywhere. and there was this noise. i can not get it out of my head. i wish i could. it was this voice. repeating over and over again. i dont know what he was saying. he just kept saying something over and over and over. it was so loud. i dont remember getting out of the car, but i remember being really confused. and i looked at my car and i just remember thinking, oh man that sucks, why is it upside down, my parents are gonna be so mad.

the ambulance came. i was so confused. emilia was so calm. they took her in the ambulance first. then i got in, on a stretcher. she was crying. i dont know what it was, but i started singing. "what would you do if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me, lend me your ear and i'll sing you a song, and i'll try not to sing out of key" emilia loves the beatles. with her whole heart. i think it helped calm her fears. her and the EMT chatted about favorite beatles, and whatnot. i asked if i had all my teeth.

the rest is still a blur. i hated how the hospital smelled. they cut my earring out. i had to get an IV. sheesh.

God gave us new life. an awakening. i dont know what it means. i dont know what he has for us. i do know, however, that we basically kissed death, and walked away from it. without a broken bone. sure, some bumps and bruises, some headaches and some emotional scarring. but we lived. we are alive to see another day.

and that is good news.

i have learned lots in the past week. about people. about friendships. gosh. i am thankful to those who stepped up and took over, when i didnt know what i needed. when i just needed someone.

thank you.

ok twenty five. ok.

well. it happened.

twenty five came. in the most interesting of ways.

chicago is a lovely town. i want to live there some day. in wicker park. i do not want to live in the cold. but i could learn to love it, maybe.

coming back from chicago was the worst experience of my life. except singing though the entire paramore riot record with emilia. i crashed my car. we flipped. multiple times.

i dont know what to say.

we should not have walked away from that. we shouldnt have.

all i know is, God is good. he is so good. i mean, i dont think its really hit me yet. but i know i have a black eye. and em has a hurt knee. we both have some scratches and bruises.

but we walked away. from an upside down car.

God is so good. once i come down from the shock, maybe ill be able to process it more.

happyness.

and in one week and one day. i will be twenty five. sheesh.

most of you who know me know that i am only slightly panicking. the idea of twenty five is odd to me. not being that age. but feeling like i havent necessarily done everything i wanted to do before the big 2 5, or feeling under accomplished. it sucks. but its more or less all in my head (because i look like im twenty, ha) society has conditioned us to believe that if we arent successful or married or having babies in our mid twenties that we are behind, that we are lacking something..

well. epiphany. hit me. like a ton of bricks.

that is just silly. and i am silly for believing that. its just not true.

life is how we make it. [cliche/ wah wah] its true. its not about time lines and status quo's and expectations that just dont make sense sometimes. i am a firm believer that God has things completely under control, that our plans arent necessarily the best ones, that there will always be surprises. its kind of beautiful if ya think about it. not knowing what the heck is going to happen. scary, yes. unbelievably.

but God is just that good. to hold us and calm our fears and doubts and give us wisdom and guidance.

i am a fan.

so, im back to being super excited about my birthday. seriously. cant wait. its kind of a big deal. <3