fallwinter.

fall quickly fades to winter.

its funny how seasons change, and we just miss it. its so hard, with life as busy as it is, to stop. and to breathe. and to embrace the slowly fading green to yellow to red to brown. we almost miss it.

how did it happen? i want it back. i want to slow down. but move fast. have my cake, and eat it too.

how can i make time stop//but get through this season?

i remember last year at this time. it was a hard time. it was a bitter time. not so much in cold weather. but you know when its so cold out and you are completely wrapped up in gloves and scarves and hats and coats, but its still so cold. that bitter "i can't breathe i can't catch my breath" that cold? it was bitter. i just wanted to catch my breath. i just wanted to catch a break. i remember someone said, if we can just get through this winter, then we'll be ok. i hung on to that hope throughout the winter. and then it was spring. in books, in literature, spring represents renewal and rebirth. "Nothing is so beautiful as spring"-hopkins..agreed, sir. i am glad for changing seasons, seasons of growth and movement and changes of color and gloves and hats and cider. and such. i am so so thankful. now if i could just slow down.

i am looking forward to spring. yes. moving forward, learning as i go, walking side by side, hand in hand, with a loving and supportive man of God, who continually challenges and motivates me to seek after the Lord. and lets me be, wait, no, loves me for, who i am. emotional//loud//crazy//dodgy//mess. ah, yes, you! you are the one i have been waiting for. so glad our paths crossed. and you asked me to be yours.

[thank you, Jesus]

i walked up to my house tonight, my sweet sweet house where i spent the past 11 months seeking and growing and changing. and i stopped. and i crunched a bunch of leaves that were on the sidewalk. and smiled. those little things in life, they create more joy in my heart than a lot of big things.

ive rambled enough for one evening. its time to sleep. i have an electric blanket now, thanks to my parents. i won't be so cold anymore.

<3

my boyfriend just sent me this photograph. i am in love with it. and him.

ahem.

i'm just ready for a new last name.

there. i said it.

wait.

i feel like im waiting for something. theres the intense anticipation in my heart, but i cant quite place it.

what am i waiting for?

i guess im just not satisfied with myself. oh to be more talented, more accomplished, financially stable, skinnier, healthier, ________. you get the idea.

so. how do i get there? i dont really know.

today its raining. its been raining for 9 or 10 days. im ready for the sun to come out again.

about that.

i fell asleep in my clothes.

with all my makeup. this is so not like me.

i woke up. i was only asleep a second.

i dont want to move. dont want to budge.

this pillow, the one i dont even use, it smells like you. you mixed with aveda, mixed with you.

i dont want to move.

you make me feel safe and sound. and crazy [in a good way] all of the above.

i'll sleep on this pillow. [the one i dont even use]

what the hell is going on?

ok. sheesh.

everything is new.

i quit school today..

take it back, i withdrew from watkins today.

heartbreaking. but. i feel like its the right thing to do. i have a passion for art and photography. and im stuck and my passion is slowing drifting. i dont want that to go away.

so i've decided to be wise, and get a degree in either business or communications, and dive in to photography on my terms, as much and as often as possible. i will have more time to do this, so im really excited. i dont have any doubts. whatsoever. and i feel really supported by most of the people in my life, i feel super encouraged.

new new new. what the heck is happening? whirlwind, i tell ya.

im so excited/blessed/honored/overwhelmed. love it.