what the hell is going on?

ok. sheesh.

everything is new.

i quit school today..

take it back, i withdrew from watkins today.

heartbreaking. but. i feel like its the right thing to do. i have a passion for art and photography. and im stuck and my passion is slowing drifting. i dont want that to go away.

so i've decided to be wise, and get a degree in either business or communications, and dive in to photography on my terms, as much and as often as possible. i will have more time to do this, so im really excited. i dont have any doubts. whatsoever. and i feel really supported by most of the people in my life, i feel super encouraged.

new new new. what the heck is happening? whirlwind, i tell ya.

im so excited/blessed/honored/overwhelmed. love it.

ok hi.

first things first.

there is so much newness going on, i think im going to explode. its nuts. i am incredibly blessed.

i quit starbucks. praise the Lord. i have a week left. i can make it through the drama for a week [i think] i got a job with Aveda, and i am so excited. i believe in the product, and i believe in the company. good things ahead =)

oh. aaaay phone. yep. see ya later verizon and your crappy blackberry. i joined the at&t family.

oh duh. hello boyfriend. i got one of them. and he, he is outstanding. best friends first, that is the way to go. i am terribly fond of him [danny]. we are sickeningly happy. so, that is new.

and im going back to school in a week. bittersweet. summer got better toward the end, but its time to get back in the swing of things.

life has a sweet spirit about it right now. God is faithful, and i am excited for Gods provision and words for the future. <3

vent.

im frustrated with friends who arent friends.

truth.

maybe i just have high expectations? maybe i just hope for friendships that are meaningful. closer than a brother[sister]-friends. go out of their way-friends. considerate selfless-friends. not flavor of the week or month. because i am that far too much.

im really over that.

i think im just expecting what im giving. i've given so much. it seems i dont have anything left.

support.

i want to make art that is worth something. not monetary. worth something bigger. that is thought provoking. causes change. causes hope. changes someones life. i'd be ok if something i produced or created improved one single persons life. i'd be ok with that.

i want to paint a massive tree.

lately my heart has wanted something bigger. bigger than me. i want to be a part of change. at least, if anything, i want to see change in this life.

things you should look at [please]

tom's shoes. do it. they are causing change. in a unique way. its beautiful.

blood:water mission. clean water. enough said.

compassion international. child sponsorship. i've been doing it for years, and it has been a remarkable impact in my own life.

mocha club. there are so many needs. just so many.

anyway. i believe in hope. and i believe every single human being should have some. i just believe that. we are so fortunate. so blessed. lets spread some of those blessings to those who arent as fortunate. life is just too short. way too short.

<3

trouble. trouble.

So. As sweet as this fourth of July gig has been, its also been incredibly boring and slightly uncomfortable. I've been surrounded by more tribal tattoos than I can really imagine, skeevy men who only talk trash about each other and see just how vulgar and filthy they can get their mouths to be, and more disrespect than I care to mention. Shwew. I'm over it. Where are the good men? Seriously. I mean, I'm by no means on the look out on this holiday weekend, but seriously, where are they, in life?!? I know you're out there, sir. I'm not losing hope, but my heart has been less than joyful this weekend. Maybe I'm just naïve, a little too hopeless, ya know? I don't know what it is. I'm gonna soldier on. Maybe I just need a nap. And a shower. Hmm. Oh. Happy fourth of July.

phone bloggy

Today and tomorrow I will drive a golf cart. At the riverfront. Nashville is perfect today. My eye is less black. Come downtown for the fireworks, it should be amazing. From what I'm seeing. Just get here early, bypass some traffic. I love my job this weekend. Easy shmeasy. Oh yeah. I got a car today. In my name. It is a beaut. Ill have it Monday morning, we'll take a ride. Ok. Love you bye.

here goes.

i think im ready to talk about it.

last sunday we left late from chicago. maybe 7pm. noticed as we were getting gas in the west suburbs that the battery was acting a bit odd, wasnt cranking as quickly as it normally does, but figured, lets not stop unless its necessary, lets just get home. we ended up in kentucky about midnight. indiana is a bitch. really. how long does it take to drive through. anyway. we had to get gas. as soon as i filled up, i tried cranking. the batterys gone. how the heck are we going to remedy this. praise the Lord that a young couple jumped the car, but what a bummer that i would have to take my car in to get a new battery or a new something on monday.

we sang the entire paramore record at the top of our lungs. we tried to outdo each other on lame songs.

then we went to country for a bit. i started with some johnny, and then one thing led to another and we were on taylor swifts record. i didnt mind. it was about 2 in the morning. we were so close to tennessee.

there were two, maybe three, deer staring at me. i will never ever forget their eyes. it just happened so quickly. i swerved to the left, then over corrected and spun. emilia said thats when we flipped. three or four times. praise God i dont remember. i remember closing my eyes. and then opening them. and looking for my phone. but i was sitting on the ceiling of my car. and there was stuff everywhere. i mean, everywhere. and there was this noise. i can not get it out of my head. i wish i could. it was this voice. repeating over and over again. i dont know what he was saying. he just kept saying something over and over and over. it was so loud. i dont remember getting out of the car, but i remember being really confused. and i looked at my car and i just remember thinking, oh man that sucks, why is it upside down, my parents are gonna be so mad.

the ambulance came. i was so confused. emilia was so calm. they took her in the ambulance first. then i got in, on a stretcher. she was crying. i dont know what it was, but i started singing. "what would you do if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me, lend me your ear and i'll sing you a song, and i'll try not to sing out of key" emilia loves the beatles. with her whole heart. i think it helped calm her fears. her and the EMT chatted about favorite beatles, and whatnot. i asked if i had all my teeth.

the rest is still a blur. i hated how the hospital smelled. they cut my earring out. i had to get an IV. sheesh.

God gave us new life. an awakening. i dont know what it means. i dont know what he has for us. i do know, however, that we basically kissed death, and walked away from it. without a broken bone. sure, some bumps and bruises, some headaches and some emotional scarring. but we lived. we are alive to see another day.

and that is good news.

i have learned lots in the past week. about people. about friendships. gosh. i am thankful to those who stepped up and took over, when i didnt know what i needed. when i just needed someone.

thank you.