firecracker.

i havent slept a lot lately. partially because its nearing the end of the semester. tests and due dates and portfolios and drawings and such. partially because my mind is completely full, thoughts of the summer, making plans, figuring out where to escape to for my twenty-fifth [the one we do not speak of]. and partially because my heart is tired.

i have slowly come to the realization that even though something sounds good, and it makes sense in my pseudo-logical brain, it is indeed, quite the opposite. my initial reaction is to justify actions, or read in to words and thoughts. but that just lets me down. i just let me down. and i suppose i will settle with that.

and also, amongst that realization, i began to reevaluate and reconsider just what it is i am looking for. in someone. forever. not that i will begin to make this laundry list for you. but i do know i dont want to chase. i dont want to pursue. i dont want to play games. black. and white. i want integrity. and i want to be wanted. not in a sexual way, but i want to be fought for. make sense? i dont know. and once you have me. i will fight for you. deal.

moving on. putting it to rest. for now.

i just read this. enjoy.

"it is up to all of us to illuminate the world" philippe venier

[that is truth]

yes. im endearing.

head is achy. as is heart.

tonight was an adventure. music is good. magical like mary poppins.

one week left. and then who knows.

i need to get out. and explore. i sure could use a bit of company.

summertime list.

1.catch in the park.

2.popsicles.

3.traveling. anywhere. i want to see water and mountain and city.

4.side walk chalk.

5.music.

6.trampoline. aka. skinny legs 2009.

7.mixed media. watercolor. photograph.

8.bicycle. and her basket.

additions to follow.

goodnight.

"for everything you lost and all you overcome, i wanna be the one to put it in a song, take every single tear for all the world to hear, i wanna be the one to put it in a song and make it last forever" [fun]

frozen.

frozen solid.

i am a brick wall. and i am frozen solid. thousands and thousands of words ready to be said. but stuck.

i saw a beautiful picture of love today. of friendship and acceptance and true commitment. something i long for. and i know will happen. in timing that i'm still not completely comfortable with.

im just so ready to get these words out. they deserve to be out. i cant hardly bare it. i want to breathe a little easier.

skinny.

i want skinny legs.

thats all. really. [so vain]

its not like im large. i just want skinny legs. damn it.

in other news. schools out in a few weeks. and then its...what? hmm. transfer out of that store. to another. possibly. maybe i'll get a merch job for the summer and travel a bit.

maybe i'll meet a boy and we will play catch in the park and lay around and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and laugh. maybeeeee. im down for that. and bike rides. soon enough. with ipods playing old eisley songs like trolley wood. that. is. perfect.

two of my best friends are getting married this year. one in a week. and one in a few months.

i better catch that damn bouquet. just sayin.

<3

once.

done with this. i want out.

tired of falling and hoping and falling some more.

i am a record player. stuck on repeat.

ideal. lay in a field. where its warm and not cold. greens and blues are warm and alive. it is seventy degrees. and you are there. and you'll sing. and i will too. and lets laugh. and take naps. because thats what love looks like to me.

goodnight.