here goes.

i think im ready to talk about it.

last sunday we left late from chicago. maybe 7pm. noticed as we were getting gas in the west suburbs that the battery was acting a bit odd, wasnt cranking as quickly as it normally does, but figured, lets not stop unless its necessary, lets just get home. we ended up in kentucky about midnight. indiana is a bitch. really. how long does it take to drive through. anyway. we had to get gas. as soon as i filled up, i tried cranking. the batterys gone. how the heck are we going to remedy this. praise the Lord that a young couple jumped the car, but what a bummer that i would have to take my car in to get a new battery or a new something on monday.

we sang the entire paramore record at the top of our lungs. we tried to outdo each other on lame songs.

then we went to country for a bit. i started with some johnny, and then one thing led to another and we were on taylor swifts record. i didnt mind. it was about 2 in the morning. we were so close to tennessee.

there were two, maybe three, deer staring at me. i will never ever forget their eyes. it just happened so quickly. i swerved to the left, then over corrected and spun. emilia said thats when we flipped. three or four times. praise God i dont remember. i remember closing my eyes. and then opening them. and looking for my phone. but i was sitting on the ceiling of my car. and there was stuff everywhere. i mean, everywhere. and there was this noise. i can not get it out of my head. i wish i could. it was this voice. repeating over and over again. i dont know what he was saying. he just kept saying something over and over and over. it was so loud. i dont remember getting out of the car, but i remember being really confused. and i looked at my car and i just remember thinking, oh man that sucks, why is it upside down, my parents are gonna be so mad.

the ambulance came. i was so confused. emilia was so calm. they took her in the ambulance first. then i got in, on a stretcher. she was crying. i dont know what it was, but i started singing. "what would you do if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me, lend me your ear and i'll sing you a song, and i'll try not to sing out of key" emilia loves the beatles. with her whole heart. i think it helped calm her fears. her and the EMT chatted about favorite beatles, and whatnot. i asked if i had all my teeth.

the rest is still a blur. i hated how the hospital smelled. they cut my earring out. i had to get an IV. sheesh.

God gave us new life. an awakening. i dont know what it means. i dont know what he has for us. i do know, however, that we basically kissed death, and walked away from it. without a broken bone. sure, some bumps and bruises, some headaches and some emotional scarring. but we lived. we are alive to see another day.

and that is good news.

i have learned lots in the past week. about people. about friendships. gosh. i am thankful to those who stepped up and took over, when i didnt know what i needed. when i just needed someone.

thank you.

ok twenty five. ok.

well. it happened.

twenty five came. in the most interesting of ways.

chicago is a lovely town. i want to live there some day. in wicker park. i do not want to live in the cold. but i could learn to love it, maybe.

coming back from chicago was the worst experience of my life. except singing though the entire paramore riot record with emilia. i crashed my car. we flipped. multiple times.

i dont know what to say.

we should not have walked away from that. we shouldnt have.

all i know is, God is good. he is so good. i mean, i dont think its really hit me yet. but i know i have a black eye. and em has a hurt knee. we both have some scratches and bruises.

but we walked away. from an upside down car.

God is so good. once i come down from the shock, maybe ill be able to process it more.

happyness.

and in one week and one day. i will be twenty five. sheesh.

most of you who know me know that i am only slightly panicking. the idea of twenty five is odd to me. not being that age. but feeling like i havent necessarily done everything i wanted to do before the big 2 5, or feeling under accomplished. it sucks. but its more or less all in my head (because i look like im twenty, ha) society has conditioned us to believe that if we arent successful or married or having babies in our mid twenties that we are behind, that we are lacking something..

well. epiphany. hit me. like a ton of bricks.

that is just silly. and i am silly for believing that. its just not true.

life is how we make it. [cliche/ wah wah] its true. its not about time lines and status quo's and expectations that just dont make sense sometimes. i am a firm believer that God has things completely under control, that our plans arent necessarily the best ones, that there will always be surprises. its kind of beautiful if ya think about it. not knowing what the heck is going to happen. scary, yes. unbelievably.

but God is just that good. to hold us and calm our fears and doubts and give us wisdom and guidance.

i am a fan.

so, im back to being super excited about my birthday. seriously. cant wait. its kind of a big deal. <3

swallowed in the [sea]

i want to sit behind a rhodes piano, and suddenly know every note and every key.

i want to visit london. and tokyo. and israel. and africa. and the ocean, yes the ocean. i want to stand and feel the water. we are land locked. stuck. miles and hours away. i feel so small near the water. incredibly small and incredibly safe.

i want to ride my bicycle. with basket in tow. to get popsicles. and lay in the park.

i want to see brand new things and paint and be inspired by people. all sorts of people. all kinds.

my thought is this: this life is so short. blink of an eye short. so lets live. and love. a lot. live life to its fullest. serving and giving and loving. and hoping. lots of hope. full of hope. and joy, yes that too.

i am stressed. but calm. God is good. always. he just cant be anything else.

[coldplay is inspiring]

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to see you

You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see

And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see

Oh the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

i just redeemed a ton of free music on itunes. thanks starbucks for a free song every week.

the last couple of weeks and days have been spent in reflection and reevaluation. on who i am and who i've become. i feel like i've spent the last few months in a fog. trying to justify my actions and my complacency. when thats not who i am. i am not negative. im not hopeless. i have joy. i have a lot of life in me.

God is revealing his goodness to me. not that i had forgotten. but i am more aware. more aware of his wonderful character and his huge amounts of grace. i guess it is true that truly being broken and rock bottom will allow your senses to become even more aware of just how much we need him.

i dont have it all together. i dont claim to. im ok with that. i dont want to be in control. if my plans were the right ones, it would just be a dodgy mess. ha. im thankful that he knows what is best for us.

now if i could just learn a little patience. seriouslyyyy.

this guy told me tonight that if girls would just chase guys a little more then it would make things easier. brother, its just not how its meant to be. be a man. sorry. this girl will not be chasing.

thank you Lord for your words and your truth. this is what love looks like [and i will never lose hope]

"You have made my heart beat faster, my sister, my bride; You have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes, With a single strand of your necklace. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than all kinds of spices!" Song of Solomon 4:9-10.