theres a song that will linger, forever in our ears, oh hard times, come again no more..

[life] give us a break. 

today has been one of the hardest days i have experienced in quite some time. more than heart break. more than the loss of a friend. feeling completely and utterly useless and helpless. trying to get somewhere and having to wait to get there, anxiously awaiting seeing someone i care about more than life be in pain.

things become clearer, i gain a little bit more perspective. i start asking a lot more questions. 

what the hell are we doing? seriously. 

i think im wasting my time. i mean. i feel productive. i feel responsible. i dont really have shallow relationships. but i guess i just feel like im wasting my time. i believe in being part of something bigger, and im just looking at it in the distance. im not proactively getting involved. i want to take part. im just sitting around, waiting for something. there in lies the question. 

what am i waiting on? maybe a different job, a new atmosphere with new people and new circumstances? possibly. a college degree? so what, then i have a piece of paper to put on a wall and thousands of dollars in debt..? not sure about that one. am i waiting on him, that one, the one ive been searching for some time now? sure, why not. i guess i am. [hi. i know you're out there, cant wait to meet you.]

needless to say, i am challenging myself [and sure, why not you as well] 

lets walk through this life together. becoming part of something bigger. being truth and being hope and being love. not just saying it. but being it. [the fact of existing; existence]. 

amelie taught me the first time i watched to changing someones life is absolutely possible. 

please read. and imagine. *amelie: [to the blind man] "Let me help you. Step down. Here we go! The drum major's widow! She's worn his coat since the day he died. The horse's head has lost an ear! That's the florist laughing. He has crinkly eyes. In the bakery window, lollipops. Smell that! They're giving out melon slices! Sugarplum, ice cream! We're passing the park butcher. Ham, 79 francs. Spareribs, 45! Now the cheese shop. Picadors are 12.90. Cabecaus 23.50. A baby's watching a dog that's watching the chickens. Now we're at the kiosk by the metro. I'll leave you here. Bye!" *

ok. time for sleep is now.

  

i wish i could always have the smell of incense surrounding me. 

i wish that pain was only temporary. 

i wish i could take things back. i have regrets more often than not. 

i had more to say, and i wish i could have said those words. 

i wish that love was enough. but maybe it is. im not so sure. 

i wish i could live in amelie or finding neverland. they both seem so much better than here. atleast right now. 

i do not wish for more sleet or snow. mixed precipitation. whatever the heck that means. 

i am wishing so many things, and need not wish anymore. 

i pray this new season will come sooner rather than later. that new season [i hope] looks something like this: healed hearts. less stress over finances (because honestly, money will always be an issue, and there will never be enough). making memories. sharing stories. laughter. photoshoots (please). growing up. embracing circumstances. holding hands. more naps. business planning. constructive critiques. coffee dates. adventures. pursuit. seeking God together. walking through life in community.

i am looking forward to this season. 

and i will embrace the uncomfortable one i am in right now. i just need a little kick in the face to remind me. 

[come. here.]

from finding neverland

J.M Barrie: Here you go. 
Peter: What's this? 

J.M Barrie: All great writers begin with a good leather binding and a respectable title. Open it. 

Peter: [reads] "The Boy Castaways: Being a record of the terrible adventures of the brothers Davies, faithfully set forth by Peter Llewelyn Davies." 

J.M. Barrie: Kipling would swallow his own ear for a title like that! 

Peter: I still have no idea what to write. 

J.M. Barrie: Write about anything. Write about your family, write about the talking whale!

Peter: What whale? 
J.M. Barrie:  The one that's trapped in your imagination and desperate to get out.

i was drinkin bloody marys in the south..

i am tired of being an adult. 

i am tired of making grown up decisions. 

i am tired feeling out of line or out of control. 

i just wanna watch mary poppins. 

i do not understand why everything feels out of place and why i feel so alone. 

i am tired of barely hanging on, barely making ends meet. i want to catch a break.

[and i want you to catch a break too]

why does it seem that even though (maybe) i feel like i am doing everything close to right, but everything surrounding me is being held on by a little thread? make sense? not sure.

i am happy and lucky. amongst other things. but i am overwhelmed and in need of some refreshment. 

thoughts? 

winter song.

someone said recently that if we could just get through the winter, then we would be ok. we'd make it. 

i am ready to get through this winter. im ready to see it in my rare view mirror, quickly diminishing into the horizon. i am ready for spring. for new birth and new life and warmth and safety. i cant help but feel alone and isolated. i am learning more and more about this wilderness, and God's purpose in it. how he gets completely alone, slightly uncomfortable, and shapes our hearts in ways we cant even begin to understand. i feel as though i am on the outskirts of that hope. seeing God about to move. waiting (impatiently, mind you) anticipating something big and outrageous, or something small and perfectly fitting. if i can only make it through the winter, i think i'll be ok. 

you know me better than  i know myself. you know my heart, you understand it. let me be content in this season of coldness and solitude.

<3

I don't wanna cycle, recycle revenge.

my hair smells of parliments. 

my day was surrounded by some aspect of pain. talking about pain. experiencing pain. causing different levels of pain. witnessing pain. one friend said that it is inevitable. i suppose it is. 

why is it that people hurt others? why is it that boys mislead? why are girls are crazy? why do friends act selfish? why is it that people dont communicate? why dont we cut each other slack, why dont we give a little grace? im guilty more and more every day. why is it? 

ive come to a cross roads in my life. not necessarily a quarter life crisis. because im not in crisis. perhaps a few more days in art school and i might feel a little more panicked, but i am in no crisis. i am blessed beyond imagine. i have a wonderful loving family that would do anything and everything to help me. i have ridiculously amazing friends who love me even in my weaknesses. my new home is by far the best place i've ever slept, despite the fact that my doors still dont have curtains. i have food in the pantry, a roof over my head, a small paycheck that somehow pays the bills, and enough room to fit every coffee mug that i own. so no, there is no crisis. i guess this cross roads is a wake up call, and how fitting it has come in this new year, with all this newness consuming me. it is a wake up call for me to figure out just who the hell im going to be. its a reminder, for me to stop looking around the corner, to stop looking for the next best thing. because honestly, i am quite happy with my surroundings. im content with that. 

i guess what im trying to say is that im finally content with the pain i have gone through, and although im sure ive caused some pain (and i hate that i have), i assume everything happens for a reason. it is a chance for us to grow and stretch and learn and become better people. right? im banking on that. 

so. im not sure how this ends. my ramblings have made me tired. 

but i love you. and i mean it. 

goodnight.