today has been one of the hardest days i have experienced in quite some time. more than heart break. more than the loss of a friend. feeling completely and utterly useless and helpless. trying to get somewhere and having to wait to get there, anxiously awaiting seeing someone i care about more than life be in pain.
things become clearer, i gain a little bit more perspective. i start asking a lot more questions.
what the hell are we doing? seriously.
i think im wasting my time. i mean. i feel productive. i feel responsible. i dont really have shallow relationships. but i guess i just feel like im wasting my time. i believe in being part of something bigger, and im just looking at it in the distance. im not proactively getting involved. i want to take part. im just sitting around, waiting for something. there in lies the question.
what am i waiting on? maybe a different job, a new atmosphere with new people and new circumstances? possibly. a college degree? so what, then i have a piece of paper to put on a wall and thousands of dollars in debt..? not sure about that one. am i waiting on him, that one, the one ive been searching for some time now? sure, why not. i guess i am. [hi. i know you're out there, cant wait to meet you.]
needless to say, i am challenging myself [and sure, why not you as well]
lets walk through this life together. becoming part of something bigger. being truth and being hope and being love. not just saying it. but being it. [the fact of existing; existence].
amelie taught me the first time i watched to changing someones life is absolutely possible.
please read. and imagine. *amelie: [to the blind man] "Let me help you. Step down. Here we go! The drum major's widow! She's worn his coat since the day he died. The horse's head has lost an ear! That's the florist laughing. He has crinkly eyes. In the bakery window, lollipops. Smell that! They're giving out melon slices! Sugarplum, ice cream! We're passing the park butcher. Ham, 79 francs. Spareribs, 45! Now the cheese shop. Picadors are 12.90. Cabecaus 23.50. A baby's watching a dog that's watching the chickens. Now we're at the kiosk by the metro. I'll leave you here. Bye!" *
ok. time for sleep is now.
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