fin

first of all.

i have come to the conclusion that sometimes giving up is really the best option. the smartest move. holding on has not proved beneficial thus far. keeping hope has only brought me down.

so where do i go from here? i am really not sure. i still seek clarity and wisdom. i still hold on to logic and caution. but i want so badly to be that girl again. the one who jumps. the one who doesnt look before crossing the street, but just trusts. the one who hears the word whim and feels safe. where did she go? she got this damn tattoo once for this very purpose..on a whim, to be as open and honest and free as possible. what happened to her?

i see her around the corner. hiding. scared. pensive.

just stop.

and ps. what is this season we all are in? cant it be black and white? and cant we just be super honest? and what happened to the pursuit? what does that look like? i want to know, so i can be on the look out. ive never really seen it. im not so sure. hmm.

[My red is so confident that he flashes trophies of war, and ribbons of euphoria. Orange is young, full of daring, but its very unsteady for the first go round. My yellow in this case is not so mellow, In fact I’m trying to say it’s frightened like me, and all these emotions of mine keep holding me from, giving my life to a rainbow like you]

torn.

need to stop.

slow down.

pause.

guess who got herself stuck in a whirlwind of chaos and emotion. yep.

i figure, i'm gonna let you down. i'm gonna mess things up. [you, whoever that is. its relative. shit. you might not even exist] i'm not going to make you happy all the time. i'm going to cry. and i'm going to do dumb things. can you look that over though? would you? can you embrace that?

and you. you're gonna fail me. you will. you'll hurt me. and you'll probably be mean once or twice. or ten times. could i love you anyway? yeah. i want to. i know i can. and i'm really good at it. loving.

i have a month left of school for the spring semester. and then it is summer time. and then it is traveling time. pray things work out. i want to see new things. and take photographs. and meet new people. and be alone too.

things im currently into:

tea. every night. sitting on the front porch. bon iver[skinnylove]. old things, like books and dresses. windows down, anywhere and everywhere. this new tattoo i am getting so very soon. watercolor.

i deleted myspace. holla. i win.

goodnight little love.

hi.

the winter has said goodbye.

im sitting on the front porch. its raining. but warm. theres a parliment in my hand. the smoke feels good. sidenote. i am not a smoker. truth. i partake occasionally. im ok with that.

why has this night been so incredibly lonely? [because you arent here. whoever you are]

i have to remember that grey's anatomy will always make me cry. hence, this emotion.

winter has passed and spring has begun. time for new growth and new life and all sorts of newness. travel is the plan for the late spring and summer. i need to go.

its raining harder. against the gutter by my bedroom.

lacey let me borrow her copy of rob bell's sex god. i read the chapter entitled johnny and june a dozen times, partly because i love them, and partly for encouragement that the silly whimsical beautiful extravagant love that i believe in, is actually feasible. i went deeper and i read this. and it broke my heart and kicked my ass. its out of the chapter called worth dying for:

[speaking on a relationship that is not necessarily the happiest]

"if he's good, she comes near, but if he fails, she stays at a distance. her affections, her actions, and ultimately her love become conditional. not agape. agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy. agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love. agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful. agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful. there is a love because, love in order to, for the purpose of, and then theres love, period. agape doesnt need a reason." page one twenty.

once again, my faith in love, in this beautiful agape love, is restored. no exceptions. no ifs this or ifs that. love. period. and i will stand in that. and fight for that.

ps. im getting a new tattoo. yes. new new!

love you mean it. and i mean it.

kelly.

yeah. about that.

i am more confused than ever.

clarity. seriously. i need it.

because my heart feels like it could explode. thats for real.

what do you do when you feel so big about something, something that is good, but know that theres not a whole lot of hope in it? like, the possibility of it working out isn't even feasible.

i wish it was feasible. i wish it would work. what the hell is my problem?

and then i feel inadequate. like i dont measure up. and im pretty sure i totally put that on myself. but i hate this feeling.

im messy. it happens.

ok. bye.

lists.

updates.

i have a holga. she is wonderful. i will take photographs everyday during spring break and show you.

love isnt real. atleast not today. oh, and apparently its mostly terrible. how good to know that.

my computer keeps getting used without permission. and i am pretty much over it. thanks for spilling salsa on it.

hot yoga. it was kind of awesome. and kind of awful. i want to get better at it before i go back.

God is still good. and still a comforter and a healer and a bestfriend.

the semester is over in a less than two months. praise Him.

dudes still lead girls on. and girls are still crazy. and we read into actions that dont mean a damn thing. sorry, that just sucks.

im writing letters and sending pictures. i hope you like them.

spring break started about seven hours ago. it was liberating walking out of those doors. tough semesterrrr.

music is starting to inspire me again. for awhile, i couldnt even listen to it without getting super angry or super sad.

i found a church that i feel safe at. and i havent felt that in a really long time. it feels like a community. and i welcome that.

ok. time for sleep is now.

ps. christopher martin and his band mates are coming in june. and i can not wait for that.