hi.

the winter has said goodbye.

im sitting on the front porch. its raining. but warm. theres a parliment in my hand. the smoke feels good. sidenote. i am not a smoker. truth. i partake occasionally. im ok with that.

why has this night been so incredibly lonely? [because you arent here. whoever you are]

i have to remember that grey's anatomy will always make me cry. hence, this emotion.

winter has passed and spring has begun. time for new growth and new life and all sorts of newness. travel is the plan for the late spring and summer. i need to go.

its raining harder. against the gutter by my bedroom.

lacey let me borrow her copy of rob bell's sex god. i read the chapter entitled johnny and june a dozen times, partly because i love them, and partly for encouragement that the silly whimsical beautiful extravagant love that i believe in, is actually feasible. i went deeper and i read this. and it broke my heart and kicked my ass. its out of the chapter called worth dying for:

[speaking on a relationship that is not necessarily the happiest]

"if he's good, she comes near, but if he fails, she stays at a distance. her affections, her actions, and ultimately her love become conditional. not agape. agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy. agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love. agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful. agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful. there is a love because, love in order to, for the purpose of, and then theres love, period. agape doesnt need a reason." page one twenty.

once again, my faith in love, in this beautiful agape love, is restored. no exceptions. no ifs this or ifs that. love. period. and i will stand in that. and fight for that.

ps. im getting a new tattoo. yes. new new!

love you mean it. and i mean it.

kelly.