fin.

the last thirteen days have been more than overwhelming.

its so hard to wrap my mind around the events as of late, how emotions have been on both ends of the spectrum. i have been so incredibly happy the past few weeks. i have been sad and angry to boot. [i swear sometimes im bipolar, or some nonsense like that, but most likely im just overwhelmed and dealing]

i am engaged to the most amazing man ive ever known. i have so incredibly blessed. honored at that. [place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. it burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame. song of solomon 8:6]

i have such wonderful and supportive friends. how i came across them, i will never know. my heart aches so much knowing that some of my best friends are a million miles away, in different states and different countries. if only nashville was your home too.

i am scared. i am incredibly excited. i am sitting in my new home. it is a perfect little apartment with hardwood floors and big windows and even bigger trees outside of them. it is cozy. i am excited for the upcoming year. i am ready to put two thousand and nine behind me.

hardest year of my life.

its funny [and by funny i dont really mean funny at all] how two seconds can change your life forever. how life becomes more real, more destructible, in two seconds. how breathing a last breath is feasible.

how incredibly fortunate i am. how incredibly good God is.

i am ready for two thousand and ten. i am ready for a new chapter and a new story.

ps. coeur de pirate will hold a special place in my heart. i love her and her music and her singing voice and her piano playing skills. oh. and. her hair.

i love you. and you.

ok.

ahem.

lets start from the beginning.

yesterday the fifteenth of december. it was sweet little Kailyn's three year old birthday party. i got her two dr. seuss books. oh, the places you will go! and the sleep book. seriously, so excited to go to a three year olds birthday party.

danny wanted a coffee date before we left, at fido. there were a couple of times where i definitely tried to get out of it so we could just go to the partay.

but alas. we went. i picked danny up from his apartment and we went to get coffee at fido. props to D, he was so calm. it was kinda busy..we went to look for a table. we walked towards the back, im super oblivious. sooo. i looked up and saw one of my dearest friends john from wisconsin sitting in the back with kami and david and calen. what the hell? i kinda freaked out, yet, i still had no clue what was going on.

we hugged. it was a good moment. i turned around and saw rachel and lacey. and then i got super confused. and then it happened. i dont really remember much after that, except i kept sayin "oh God this is happening right now" danny got down on one knee. and said "wanna be my wife?" i think i said yes? haha.. i said yes.

perfect moment. pictures to follow.

loveyou.

fallwinter.

fall quickly fades to winter.

its funny how seasons change, and we just miss it. its so hard, with life as busy as it is, to stop. and to breathe. and to embrace the slowly fading green to yellow to red to brown. we almost miss it.

how did it happen? i want it back. i want to slow down. but move fast. have my cake, and eat it too.

how can i make time stop//but get through this season?

i remember last year at this time. it was a hard time. it was a bitter time. not so much in cold weather. but you know when its so cold out and you are completely wrapped up in gloves and scarves and hats and coats, but its still so cold. that bitter "i can't breathe i can't catch my breath" that cold? it was bitter. i just wanted to catch my breath. i just wanted to catch a break. i remember someone said, if we can just get through this winter, then we'll be ok. i hung on to that hope throughout the winter. and then it was spring. in books, in literature, spring represents renewal and rebirth. "Nothing is so beautiful as spring"-hopkins..agreed, sir. i am glad for changing seasons, seasons of growth and movement and changes of color and gloves and hats and cider. and such. i am so so thankful. now if i could just slow down.

i am looking forward to spring. yes. moving forward, learning as i go, walking side by side, hand in hand, with a loving and supportive man of God, who continually challenges and motivates me to seek after the Lord. and lets me be, wait, no, loves me for, who i am. emotional//loud//crazy//dodgy//mess. ah, yes, you! you are the one i have been waiting for. so glad our paths crossed. and you asked me to be yours.

[thank you, Jesus]

i walked up to my house tonight, my sweet sweet house where i spent the past 11 months seeking and growing and changing. and i stopped. and i crunched a bunch of leaves that were on the sidewalk. and smiled. those little things in life, they create more joy in my heart than a lot of big things.

ive rambled enough for one evening. its time to sleep. i have an electric blanket now, thanks to my parents. i won't be so cold anymore.

<3

my boyfriend just sent me this photograph. i am in love with it. and him.

ahem.

i'm just ready for a new last name.

there. i said it.

wait.

i feel like im waiting for something. theres the intense anticipation in my heart, but i cant quite place it.

what am i waiting for?

i guess im just not satisfied with myself. oh to be more talented, more accomplished, financially stable, skinnier, healthier, ________. you get the idea.

so. how do i get there? i dont really know.

today its raining. its been raining for 9 or 10 days. im ready for the sun to come out again.

about that.

i fell asleep in my clothes.

with all my makeup. this is so not like me.

i woke up. i was only asleep a second.

i dont want to move. dont want to budge.

this pillow, the one i dont even use, it smells like you. you mixed with aveda, mixed with you.

i dont want to move.

you make me feel safe and sound. and crazy [in a good way] all of the above.

i'll sleep on this pillow. [the one i dont even use]

what the hell is going on?

ok. sheesh.

everything is new.

i quit school today..

take it back, i withdrew from watkins today.

heartbreaking. but. i feel like its the right thing to do. i have a passion for art and photography. and im stuck and my passion is slowing drifting. i dont want that to go away.

so i've decided to be wise, and get a degree in either business or communications, and dive in to photography on my terms, as much and as often as possible. i will have more time to do this, so im really excited. i dont have any doubts. whatsoever. and i feel really supported by most of the people in my life, i feel super encouraged.

new new new. what the heck is happening? whirlwind, i tell ya.

im so excited/blessed/honored/overwhelmed. love it.

ok hi.

first things first.

there is so much newness going on, i think im going to explode. its nuts. i am incredibly blessed.

i quit starbucks. praise the Lord. i have a week left. i can make it through the drama for a week [i think] i got a job with Aveda, and i am so excited. i believe in the product, and i believe in the company. good things ahead =)

oh. aaaay phone. yep. see ya later verizon and your crappy blackberry. i joined the at&t family.

oh duh. hello boyfriend. i got one of them. and he, he is outstanding. best friends first, that is the way to go. i am terribly fond of him [danny]. we are sickeningly happy. so, that is new.

and im going back to school in a week. bittersweet. summer got better toward the end, but its time to get back in the swing of things.

life has a sweet spirit about it right now. God is faithful, and i am excited for Gods provision and words for the future. <3

vent.

im frustrated with friends who arent friends.

truth.

maybe i just have high expectations? maybe i just hope for friendships that are meaningful. closer than a brother[sister]-friends. go out of their way-friends. considerate selfless-friends. not flavor of the week or month. because i am that far too much.

im really over that.

i think im just expecting what im giving. i've given so much. it seems i dont have anything left.

support.

i want to make art that is worth something. not monetary. worth something bigger. that is thought provoking. causes change. causes hope. changes someones life. i'd be ok if something i produced or created improved one single persons life. i'd be ok with that.

i want to paint a massive tree.

lately my heart has wanted something bigger. bigger than me. i want to be a part of change. at least, if anything, i want to see change in this life.

things you should look at [please]

tom's shoes. do it. they are causing change. in a unique way. its beautiful.

blood:water mission. clean water. enough said.

compassion international. child sponsorship. i've been doing it for years, and it has been a remarkable impact in my own life.

mocha club. there are so many needs. just so many.

anyway. i believe in hope. and i believe every single human being should have some. i just believe that. we are so fortunate. so blessed. lets spread some of those blessings to those who arent as fortunate. life is just too short. way too short.

<3

trouble. trouble.

So. As sweet as this fourth of July gig has been, its also been incredibly boring and slightly uncomfortable. I've been surrounded by more tribal tattoos than I can really imagine, skeevy men who only talk trash about each other and see just how vulgar and filthy they can get their mouths to be, and more disrespect than I care to mention. Shwew. I'm over it. Where are the good men? Seriously. I mean, I'm by no means on the look out on this holiday weekend, but seriously, where are they, in life?!? I know you're out there, sir. I'm not losing hope, but my heart has been less than joyful this weekend. Maybe I'm just naïve, a little too hopeless, ya know? I don't know what it is. I'm gonna soldier on. Maybe I just need a nap. And a shower. Hmm. Oh. Happy fourth of July.

phone bloggy

Today and tomorrow I will drive a golf cart. At the riverfront. Nashville is perfect today. My eye is less black. Come downtown for the fireworks, it should be amazing. From what I'm seeing. Just get here early, bypass some traffic. I love my job this weekend. Easy shmeasy. Oh yeah. I got a car today. In my name. It is a beaut. Ill have it Monday morning, we'll take a ride. Ok. Love you bye.

here goes.

i think im ready to talk about it.

last sunday we left late from chicago. maybe 7pm. noticed as we were getting gas in the west suburbs that the battery was acting a bit odd, wasnt cranking as quickly as it normally does, but figured, lets not stop unless its necessary, lets just get home. we ended up in kentucky about midnight. indiana is a bitch. really. how long does it take to drive through. anyway. we had to get gas. as soon as i filled up, i tried cranking. the batterys gone. how the heck are we going to remedy this. praise the Lord that a young couple jumped the car, but what a bummer that i would have to take my car in to get a new battery or a new something on monday.

we sang the entire paramore record at the top of our lungs. we tried to outdo each other on lame songs.

then we went to country for a bit. i started with some johnny, and then one thing led to another and we were on taylor swifts record. i didnt mind. it was about 2 in the morning. we were so close to tennessee.

there were two, maybe three, deer staring at me. i will never ever forget their eyes. it just happened so quickly. i swerved to the left, then over corrected and spun. emilia said thats when we flipped. three or four times. praise God i dont remember. i remember closing my eyes. and then opening them. and looking for my phone. but i was sitting on the ceiling of my car. and there was stuff everywhere. i mean, everywhere. and there was this noise. i can not get it out of my head. i wish i could. it was this voice. repeating over and over again. i dont know what he was saying. he just kept saying something over and over and over. it was so loud. i dont remember getting out of the car, but i remember being really confused. and i looked at my car and i just remember thinking, oh man that sucks, why is it upside down, my parents are gonna be so mad.

the ambulance came. i was so confused. emilia was so calm. they took her in the ambulance first. then i got in, on a stretcher. she was crying. i dont know what it was, but i started singing. "what would you do if i sang out of tune, would you stand up and walk out on me, lend me your ear and i'll sing you a song, and i'll try not to sing out of key" emilia loves the beatles. with her whole heart. i think it helped calm her fears. her and the EMT chatted about favorite beatles, and whatnot. i asked if i had all my teeth.

the rest is still a blur. i hated how the hospital smelled. they cut my earring out. i had to get an IV. sheesh.

God gave us new life. an awakening. i dont know what it means. i dont know what he has for us. i do know, however, that we basically kissed death, and walked away from it. without a broken bone. sure, some bumps and bruises, some headaches and some emotional scarring. but we lived. we are alive to see another day.

and that is good news.

i have learned lots in the past week. about people. about friendships. gosh. i am thankful to those who stepped up and took over, when i didnt know what i needed. when i just needed someone.

thank you.

ok twenty five. ok.

well. it happened.

twenty five came. in the most interesting of ways.

chicago is a lovely town. i want to live there some day. in wicker park. i do not want to live in the cold. but i could learn to love it, maybe.

coming back from chicago was the worst experience of my life. except singing though the entire paramore riot record with emilia. i crashed my car. we flipped. multiple times.

i dont know what to say.

we should not have walked away from that. we shouldnt have.

all i know is, God is good. he is so good. i mean, i dont think its really hit me yet. but i know i have a black eye. and em has a hurt knee. we both have some scratches and bruises.

but we walked away. from an upside down car.

God is so good. once i come down from the shock, maybe ill be able to process it more.

happyness.

and in one week and one day. i will be twenty five. sheesh.

most of you who know me know that i am only slightly panicking. the idea of twenty five is odd to me. not being that age. but feeling like i havent necessarily done everything i wanted to do before the big 2 5, or feeling under accomplished. it sucks. but its more or less all in my head (because i look like im twenty, ha) society has conditioned us to believe that if we arent successful or married or having babies in our mid twenties that we are behind, that we are lacking something..

well. epiphany. hit me. like a ton of bricks.

that is just silly. and i am silly for believing that. its just not true.

life is how we make it. [cliche/ wah wah] its true. its not about time lines and status quo's and expectations that just dont make sense sometimes. i am a firm believer that God has things completely under control, that our plans arent necessarily the best ones, that there will always be surprises. its kind of beautiful if ya think about it. not knowing what the heck is going to happen. scary, yes. unbelievably.

but God is just that good. to hold us and calm our fears and doubts and give us wisdom and guidance.

i am a fan.

so, im back to being super excited about my birthday. seriously. cant wait. its kind of a big deal. <3

swallowed in the [sea]

i want to sit behind a rhodes piano, and suddenly know every note and every key.

i want to visit london. and tokyo. and israel. and africa. and the ocean, yes the ocean. i want to stand and feel the water. we are land locked. stuck. miles and hours away. i feel so small near the water. incredibly small and incredibly safe.

i want to ride my bicycle. with basket in tow. to get popsicles. and lay in the park.

i want to see brand new things and paint and be inspired by people. all sorts of people. all kinds.

my thought is this: this life is so short. blink of an eye short. so lets live. and love. a lot. live life to its fullest. serving and giving and loving. and hoping. lots of hope. full of hope. and joy, yes that too.

i am stressed. but calm. God is good. always. he just cant be anything else.

[coldplay is inspiring]

You cut me down a tree
And brought it back to me
And that's what made me see
Where I was going wrong
You put me on a shelf
And kept me for yourself
I can only blame myself
You can only blame me

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
Or swallowed in the sea

You put me on a line
And hung me out to dry
And darling that's when I
Decided to go to see you

You cut me down to size
And opened up my eyes
Made me realize
What I could not see

And I could write a book
The one they'll say that shook
The world, and then it took
It took it back from me

And I could write it down
Or spread it all around
Get lost and then get found
And you'll come back to me
Not swallowed in the sea

And I could write a song
A hundred miles long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

The streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well, that's where I belong
And you belong with me

Oh what good is it to live
With nothing left to give
Forget but not forgive
Not loving all you see

Oh the streets you're walking on
A thousand houses long
Well that's where I belong
And you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

You belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea
Yeah, you belong with me
Not swallowed in the sea

i just redeemed a ton of free music on itunes. thanks starbucks for a free song every week.

the last couple of weeks and days have been spent in reflection and reevaluation. on who i am and who i've become. i feel like i've spent the last few months in a fog. trying to justify my actions and my complacency. when thats not who i am. i am not negative. im not hopeless. i have joy. i have a lot of life in me.

God is revealing his goodness to me. not that i had forgotten. but i am more aware. more aware of his wonderful character and his huge amounts of grace. i guess it is true that truly being broken and rock bottom will allow your senses to become even more aware of just how much we need him.

i dont have it all together. i dont claim to. im ok with that. i dont want to be in control. if my plans were the right ones, it would just be a dodgy mess. ha. im thankful that he knows what is best for us.

now if i could just learn a little patience. seriouslyyyy.

this guy told me tonight that if girls would just chase guys a little more then it would make things easier. brother, its just not how its meant to be. be a man. sorry. this girl will not be chasing.

thank you Lord for your words and your truth. this is what love looks like [and i will never lose hope]

"You have made my heart beat faster, my sister, my bride; You have made my heart beat faster with a single glance of your eyes, With a single strand of your necklace. How beautiful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much better is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your oils than all kinds of spices!" Song of Solomon 4:9-10.

there is a need.

i need to go to africa.

[tell of His glory among the nations, His wonderful deeds among the peoples]

out of the wreck i rise.

i try my best to read oswald chamber's 'my utmost for his highest' every day. the language and vernacular is, at times, hard to get through, but for the most part it is incredibly encouraging and thought provoking. i keep going back to the entry from the nineteenth of may.

http://www.myutmost.org/05/0519.html

God's love is bigger than our own understanding.

"Either Jesus Christ is a deceiver and Paul is deluded, or some extraordinary thing happens to a man who holds on to the love of God when the odds are all against God's character. Logic is silenced in the face of every one of these things. Only one thing can account for it - the love of God in Christ Jesus. "Out of the wreck I rise" every time."

what a beautiful statement. that it's not about us. not even close. and His grace, his wonderful grace, we get it, no thanks to our merit, but luckily, because He is just so great and full of love.

what a relief.

summer is here. i want to ride my bike. but i need someone to ride with me. because im a little scared, traffic and such.

ok. i am taking a trip this summer. somewhere. i have no idea where yet. but im just going to do it. i'll let ya know.

soap box

dear nashville allergies. why you gotta be like that?

moving along.

“For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well.” psalm 139:13and14

lets just think about this. fearfully and wonderfully made. we are. we were created, wonderfully. what a beautiful thought. that me, this girl who, like so many other girls, doesnt always love how she looks, gets frustrated more often that not, but was fearfully and wonderfully created. with purpose. with a plan, a goal in mind.

i have been encouraged so much lately by my friends that i am, in deed, a catch. that there is someone that my Father has created specifically and intricately for me. my dear friend katherine put it well when she said "What our beautiful father has instore for you.....is unmeasurably perfect love. An adventure all it's own. And he will climb the highest tower for you, fight for you, share with and delight in you." [thank you miss]

now. i am so excited for that. absolutely. i like adventures. that dont make sense. but somehow fit. im ready and willing. all you gotta do is give it a shot. right? right.

i have two friendship bracelets on. and i have a-symmetrical hair now. i've been drinking water constantly for the past two days and still feel a bit dehydrated. hmm. i did not watch the season finale of lost, nor have i seen last weeks episode? but i am going to leave work 20 minutes early tomorrow night to see the finale of greys. i mean, this sister has to see that. and i think we are going to chicago for a couple of days on my birthday. twenty five. that is just another blog all together. =) haha.

just be honest. be black and white. a little straightforwardness never hurt anyone. [and that is the longest word i have ever seen]

goodnight. <3

re:love

kickin around the idea of traveling to the mediterranean next year. can you imagine? greece. italy. cyprus. taking a boat to damascus. i want this to happen. more or less, i need it to happen. pray it works out. God willing, our adventure will be tentatively scheduled for early summer 2010. join us. seriously. i want to see the world with you.

i was emotionally moved by a documentary called Born Into Brothels. i believe it came out about four years ago, about the red light district in Calcutta, India, and the children that live there. they inspire me to be a better person. to live a life serving others and spreading hope. i was moved. please watch if you havent already.

also. i bought tom's today. grey ones. in turn, a pair was given to a child in need of shoes. i am continuously inspired and moved and encouraged that there are good people out there, trying to make a difference in this world. that people realize that this life is too short, and there is a great need. there is a need for light and hope in darkness.

someone today told me that if they could describe me in one word, that they would say 'love'. im not saying this to give myself points, by no means. because, at the end of the day, i have a selfish heart a lot of the time. but the fact of the matter is, God has given me a huge heart to love people, even when i dont have to strength to do so. i am grateful for that. because sometimes i dont want to love. or i dont want to believe in it. but i just cant shake it. i believe it. i hope for it. i see it in so many things, in people, in art, in music.

i am incredibly honored and humbled to see with eyes like that. because i certainly dont deserve it.

lend me your ears and i'll sing you a song

hokay so.

i am currently in an oversized grey hoodie. sitting on the couch. in birmingham. being here is so uncomfortable. dont get me wrong. i love my family. i love this house. i love memories of growing up here, running through the woods behind the house to hang out with the neighborhood kids, riding bicycles in the front, waiting to hear the ice cream truck bells, theres just so many. but i feel like i've grown out of this town. i feel unfit, out of place. its ok. i do love nashville with my whole heart. i love its newness, its possibilities, the community, the magic. i wish i had the ability to steal every one of my friends who do not live in nash and relocate them to my neighborhood.

life has its ups and downs right now. i am content with that. it has this calm sweetness about it, that i absolutely love. i feel close to God, i feel as if he's an old friend i want to get coffee with often and learn and grow and laugh and cry with. i am really excited about that.

theres a tornado warning at the moment. hey, weather, can you just cut it out? kthanks.

current events have challenged me to raise the bar a bit, in the department of a future mate. integrity and humility are absolutely make or breaks. and pursuit. absolutely. i am a catch, mister.. ha. =)

my latest tattoo is nicely turning into conversations about my hope and comfort, and i am so thankful for that. its so great to see how God can use anything for his glory.

hey, across the universe, i know i was late in watching your movie and listening to your soundtrack, but thank you thank you for all that you are. i am currently obsessed. thank you.

death cab next week. fun, in bham, in a few weeks. coldplay in a month. music music! i love you!

[summertime two thousand nine equals holga photoshoots on the trampoline. holla]

firecracker.

i havent slept a lot lately. partially because its nearing the end of the semester. tests and due dates and portfolios and drawings and such. partially because my mind is completely full, thoughts of the summer, making plans, figuring out where to escape to for my twenty-fifth [the one we do not speak of]. and partially because my heart is tired.

i have slowly come to the realization that even though something sounds good, and it makes sense in my pseudo-logical brain, it is indeed, quite the opposite. my initial reaction is to justify actions, or read in to words and thoughts. but that just lets me down. i just let me down. and i suppose i will settle with that.

and also, amongst that realization, i began to reevaluate and reconsider just what it is i am looking for. in someone. forever. not that i will begin to make this laundry list for you. but i do know i dont want to chase. i dont want to pursue. i dont want to play games. black. and white. i want integrity. and i want to be wanted. not in a sexual way, but i want to be fought for. make sense? i dont know. and once you have me. i will fight for you. deal.

moving on. putting it to rest. for now.

i just read this. enjoy.

"it is up to all of us to illuminate the world" philippe venier

[that is truth]

yes. im endearing.

head is achy. as is heart.

tonight was an adventure. music is good. magical like mary poppins.

one week left. and then who knows.

i need to get out. and explore. i sure could use a bit of company.

summertime list.

1.catch in the park.

2.popsicles.

3.traveling. anywhere. i want to see water and mountain and city.

4.side walk chalk.

5.music.

6.trampoline. aka. skinny legs 2009.

7.mixed media. watercolor. photograph.

8.bicycle. and her basket.

additions to follow.

goodnight.

"for everything you lost and all you overcome, i wanna be the one to put it in a song, take every single tear for all the world to hear, i wanna be the one to put it in a song and make it last forever" [fun]

frozen.

frozen solid.

i am a brick wall. and i am frozen solid. thousands and thousands of words ready to be said. but stuck.

i saw a beautiful picture of love today. of friendship and acceptance and true commitment. something i long for. and i know will happen. in timing that i'm still not completely comfortable with.

im just so ready to get these words out. they deserve to be out. i cant hardly bare it. i want to breathe a little easier.

skinny.

i want skinny legs.

thats all. really. [so vain]

its not like im large. i just want skinny legs. damn it.

in other news. schools out in a few weeks. and then its...what? hmm. transfer out of that store. to another. possibly. maybe i'll get a merch job for the summer and travel a bit.

maybe i'll meet a boy and we will play catch in the park and lay around and eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and laugh. maybeeeee. im down for that. and bike rides. soon enough. with ipods playing old eisley songs like trolley wood. that. is. perfect.

two of my best friends are getting married this year. one in a week. and one in a few months.

i better catch that damn bouquet. just sayin.

<3

once.

done with this. i want out.

tired of falling and hoping and falling some more.

i am a record player. stuck on repeat.

ideal. lay in a field. where its warm and not cold. greens and blues are warm and alive. it is seventy degrees. and you are there. and you'll sing. and i will too. and lets laugh. and take naps. because thats what love looks like to me.

goodnight.

fin

first of all.

i have come to the conclusion that sometimes giving up is really the best option. the smartest move. holding on has not proved beneficial thus far. keeping hope has only brought me down.

so where do i go from here? i am really not sure. i still seek clarity and wisdom. i still hold on to logic and caution. but i want so badly to be that girl again. the one who jumps. the one who doesnt look before crossing the street, but just trusts. the one who hears the word whim and feels safe. where did she go? she got this damn tattoo once for this very purpose..on a whim, to be as open and honest and free as possible. what happened to her?

i see her around the corner. hiding. scared. pensive.

just stop.

and ps. what is this season we all are in? cant it be black and white? and cant we just be super honest? and what happened to the pursuit? what does that look like? i want to know, so i can be on the look out. ive never really seen it. im not so sure. hmm.

[My red is so confident that he flashes trophies of war, and ribbons of euphoria. Orange is young, full of daring, but its very unsteady for the first go round. My yellow in this case is not so mellow, In fact I’m trying to say it’s frightened like me, and all these emotions of mine keep holding me from, giving my life to a rainbow like you]

torn.

need to stop.

slow down.

pause.

guess who got herself stuck in a whirlwind of chaos and emotion. yep.

i figure, i'm gonna let you down. i'm gonna mess things up. [you, whoever that is. its relative. shit. you might not even exist] i'm not going to make you happy all the time. i'm going to cry. and i'm going to do dumb things. can you look that over though? would you? can you embrace that?

and you. you're gonna fail me. you will. you'll hurt me. and you'll probably be mean once or twice. or ten times. could i love you anyway? yeah. i want to. i know i can. and i'm really good at it. loving.

i have a month left of school for the spring semester. and then it is summer time. and then it is traveling time. pray things work out. i want to see new things. and take photographs. and meet new people. and be alone too.

things im currently into:

tea. every night. sitting on the front porch. bon iver[skinnylove]. old things, like books and dresses. windows down, anywhere and everywhere. this new tattoo i am getting so very soon. watercolor.

i deleted myspace. holla. i win.

goodnight little love.

hi.

the winter has said goodbye.

im sitting on the front porch. its raining. but warm. theres a parliment in my hand. the smoke feels good. sidenote. i am not a smoker. truth. i partake occasionally. im ok with that.

why has this night been so incredibly lonely? [because you arent here. whoever you are]

i have to remember that grey's anatomy will always make me cry. hence, this emotion.

winter has passed and spring has begun. time for new growth and new life and all sorts of newness. travel is the plan for the late spring and summer. i need to go.

its raining harder. against the gutter by my bedroom.

lacey let me borrow her copy of rob bell's sex god. i read the chapter entitled johnny and june a dozen times, partly because i love them, and partly for encouragement that the silly whimsical beautiful extravagant love that i believe in, is actually feasible. i went deeper and i read this. and it broke my heart and kicked my ass. its out of the chapter called worth dying for:

[speaking on a relationship that is not necessarily the happiest]

"if he's good, she comes near, but if he fails, she stays at a distance. her affections, her actions, and ultimately her love become conditional. not agape. agape doesn't love somebody because they're worthy. agape makes them worthy by the strength and power of its love. agape doesn't love somebody because they're beautiful. agape loves in such a way that it makes them beautiful. there is a love because, love in order to, for the purpose of, and then theres love, period. agape doesnt need a reason." page one twenty.

once again, my faith in love, in this beautiful agape love, is restored. no exceptions. no ifs this or ifs that. love. period. and i will stand in that. and fight for that.

ps. im getting a new tattoo. yes. new new!

love you mean it. and i mean it.

kelly.

yeah. about that.

i am more confused than ever.

clarity. seriously. i need it.

because my heart feels like it could explode. thats for real.

what do you do when you feel so big about something, something that is good, but know that theres not a whole lot of hope in it? like, the possibility of it working out isn't even feasible.

i wish it was feasible. i wish it would work. what the hell is my problem?

and then i feel inadequate. like i dont measure up. and im pretty sure i totally put that on myself. but i hate this feeling.

im messy. it happens.

ok. bye.

lists.

updates.

i have a holga. she is wonderful. i will take photographs everyday during spring break and show you.

love isnt real. atleast not today. oh, and apparently its mostly terrible. how good to know that.

my computer keeps getting used without permission. and i am pretty much over it. thanks for spilling salsa on it.

hot yoga. it was kind of awesome. and kind of awful. i want to get better at it before i go back.

God is still good. and still a comforter and a healer and a bestfriend.

the semester is over in a less than two months. praise Him.

dudes still lead girls on. and girls are still crazy. and we read into actions that dont mean a damn thing. sorry, that just sucks.

im writing letters and sending pictures. i hope you like them.

spring break started about seven hours ago. it was liberating walking out of those doors. tough semesterrrr.

music is starting to inspire me again. for awhile, i couldnt even listen to it without getting super angry or super sad.

i found a church that i feel safe at. and i havent felt that in a really long time. it feels like a community. and i welcome that.

ok. time for sleep is now.

ps. christopher martin and his band mates are coming in june. and i can not wait for that.

burn, burn, burn.

i miss koolaid. and jump ropes. and skinned knees. 

my hands are cracked. partially from the millions of dishes i wash when i'm at work. partially from this cold winter. developing photos in the dark room does not help.

i went on a 'cleanse' of raw fruits and vegetables. it was supposed to be for seven days. i started it on thursday evening. and i'm eating chips and hummus right now.  i didnt last. we'll work on the pursuit of healthy living some other time. 

right now i am completely at a loss. i am sitting on the couch, watching tv. i havent done this in months. literally. i dont have time anymore. for little things. like naps. and making cupcakes. and watching movies. and crosswords. i dont even have enough time to do decent school work. 

i want so much to feel confident in my work. i want to feel like i am moving forward and learning, but i am at a stand still. i feel like i dont even have enough time to put the effort that decent work deserves. and its stealing my joy. being mediocre, feeling like i am capable of something better or bigger, but not having one free second [or atleast so it seems] to practice and become a better artist slash photographer. if only i had enough money to pay my bills, so that i wouldnt have to work. doesnt that sound beautiful? [yeah, it does]

God really knows how to shake me up, however. thank you. 

todays random verse i read. how funny:

"Then he continued, "Do not be afraid, Daniel. Since the first day that you set your mind to gain understanding and to humble yourself before your God, your words were heard, and I have come in response to them." daniel 10:12. 

even in this middle of this mess ive gotten myself in,  God completely wrecks me and pulls me up and gives me hope. to which i am forever thankful. 

dear sir.

today is good. i'm sitting at fido. skipping my first class of the year. i feel pretty great about it. play list is called 'poppins'. right now. modest mouse, float on. before, muse, butterflies and hurricanes. next, arcade fire, rebellion(lies). its sixty degrees. someone just waved at me from their car. this. day. is. perfect.

ok one thing. boys treat girls really badly sometimes. not to say that girls arent crazy or selfish or all that nonsense. but i wonder. do boys consider feelings as important? do our hearts matter? and is it always going to be this way? 

i dont think it is. and ive been burned a lot. to the point of no hope? no sir. i do believe in love that gives and takes. i believe in love that is magical like in a fairy tale. one that is strong and logical. one that stays up all night talking and laughing and learning and growing. and then goes to get coffee in the early morning. 

this is real. i promise. 

side note. im doing pilates. and trying to run. and its awesome. but awful. i love this weather. please dont leave us spring. i heard rumors you were a tease. dont be. k? 

love. its real. i'm excited to meet you and walk through life with you. 

until then, kelly. 

theres a song that will linger, forever in our ears, oh hard times, come again no more..

[life] give us a break. 

today has been one of the hardest days i have experienced in quite some time. more than heart break. more than the loss of a friend. feeling completely and utterly useless and helpless. trying to get somewhere and having to wait to get there, anxiously awaiting seeing someone i care about more than life be in pain.

things become clearer, i gain a little bit more perspective. i start asking a lot more questions. 

what the hell are we doing? seriously. 

i think im wasting my time. i mean. i feel productive. i feel responsible. i dont really have shallow relationships. but i guess i just feel like im wasting my time. i believe in being part of something bigger, and im just looking at it in the distance. im not proactively getting involved. i want to take part. im just sitting around, waiting for something. there in lies the question. 

what am i waiting on? maybe a different job, a new atmosphere with new people and new circumstances? possibly. a college degree? so what, then i have a piece of paper to put on a wall and thousands of dollars in debt..? not sure about that one. am i waiting on him, that one, the one ive been searching for some time now? sure, why not. i guess i am. [hi. i know you're out there, cant wait to meet you.]

needless to say, i am challenging myself [and sure, why not you as well] 

lets walk through this life together. becoming part of something bigger. being truth and being hope and being love. not just saying it. but being it. [the fact of existing; existence]. 

amelie taught me the first time i watched to changing someones life is absolutely possible. 

please read. and imagine. *amelie: [to the blind man] "Let me help you. Step down. Here we go! The drum major's widow! She's worn his coat since the day he died. The horse's head has lost an ear! That's the florist laughing. He has crinkly eyes. In the bakery window, lollipops. Smell that! They're giving out melon slices! Sugarplum, ice cream! We're passing the park butcher. Ham, 79 francs. Spareribs, 45! Now the cheese shop. Picadors are 12.90. Cabecaus 23.50. A baby's watching a dog that's watching the chickens. Now we're at the kiosk by the metro. I'll leave you here. Bye!" *

ok. time for sleep is now.

  

i wish i could always have the smell of incense surrounding me. 

i wish that pain was only temporary. 

i wish i could take things back. i have regrets more often than not. 

i had more to say, and i wish i could have said those words. 

i wish that love was enough. but maybe it is. im not so sure. 

i wish i could live in amelie or finding neverland. they both seem so much better than here. atleast right now. 

i do not wish for more sleet or snow. mixed precipitation. whatever the heck that means. 

i am wishing so many things, and need not wish anymore. 

i pray this new season will come sooner rather than later. that new season [i hope] looks something like this: healed hearts. less stress over finances (because honestly, money will always be an issue, and there will never be enough). making memories. sharing stories. laughter. photoshoots (please). growing up. embracing circumstances. holding hands. more naps. business planning. constructive critiques. coffee dates. adventures. pursuit. seeking God together. walking through life in community.

i am looking forward to this season. 

and i will embrace the uncomfortable one i am in right now. i just need a little kick in the face to remind me. 

[come. here.]

from finding neverland

J.M Barrie: Here you go. 
Peter: What's this? 

J.M Barrie: All great writers begin with a good leather binding and a respectable title. Open it. 

Peter: [reads] "The Boy Castaways: Being a record of the terrible adventures of the brothers Davies, faithfully set forth by Peter Llewelyn Davies." 

J.M. Barrie: Kipling would swallow his own ear for a title like that! 

Peter: I still have no idea what to write. 

J.M. Barrie: Write about anything. Write about your family, write about the talking whale!

Peter: What whale? 
J.M. Barrie:  The one that's trapped in your imagination and desperate to get out.

i was drinkin bloody marys in the south..

i am tired of being an adult. 

i am tired of making grown up decisions. 

i am tired feeling out of line or out of control. 

i just wanna watch mary poppins. 

i do not understand why everything feels out of place and why i feel so alone. 

i am tired of barely hanging on, barely making ends meet. i want to catch a break.

[and i want you to catch a break too]

why does it seem that even though (maybe) i feel like i am doing everything close to right, but everything surrounding me is being held on by a little thread? make sense? not sure.

i am happy and lucky. amongst other things. but i am overwhelmed and in need of some refreshment. 

thoughts? 

winter song.

someone said recently that if we could just get through the winter, then we would be ok. we'd make it. 

i am ready to get through this winter. im ready to see it in my rare view mirror, quickly diminishing into the horizon. i am ready for spring. for new birth and new life and warmth and safety. i cant help but feel alone and isolated. i am learning more and more about this wilderness, and God's purpose in it. how he gets completely alone, slightly uncomfortable, and shapes our hearts in ways we cant even begin to understand. i feel as though i am on the outskirts of that hope. seeing God about to move. waiting (impatiently, mind you) anticipating something big and outrageous, or something small and perfectly fitting. if i can only make it through the winter, i think i'll be ok. 

you know me better than  i know myself. you know my heart, you understand it. let me be content in this season of coldness and solitude.

<3

I don't wanna cycle, recycle revenge.

my hair smells of parliments. 

my day was surrounded by some aspect of pain. talking about pain. experiencing pain. causing different levels of pain. witnessing pain. one friend said that it is inevitable. i suppose it is. 

why is it that people hurt others? why is it that boys mislead? why are girls are crazy? why do friends act selfish? why is it that people dont communicate? why dont we cut each other slack, why dont we give a little grace? im guilty more and more every day. why is it? 

ive come to a cross roads in my life. not necessarily a quarter life crisis. because im not in crisis. perhaps a few more days in art school and i might feel a little more panicked, but i am in no crisis. i am blessed beyond imagine. i have a wonderful loving family that would do anything and everything to help me. i have ridiculously amazing friends who love me even in my weaknesses. my new home is by far the best place i've ever slept, despite the fact that my doors still dont have curtains. i have food in the pantry, a roof over my head, a small paycheck that somehow pays the bills, and enough room to fit every coffee mug that i own. so no, there is no crisis. i guess this cross roads is a wake up call, and how fitting it has come in this new year, with all this newness consuming me. it is a wake up call for me to figure out just who the hell im going to be. its a reminder, for me to stop looking around the corner, to stop looking for the next best thing. because honestly, i am quite happy with my surroundings. im content with that. 

i guess what im trying to say is that im finally content with the pain i have gone through, and although im sure ive caused some pain (and i hate that i have), i assume everything happens for a reason. it is a chance for us to grow and stretch and learn and become better people. right? im banking on that. 

so. im not sure how this ends. my ramblings have made me tired. 

but i love you. and i mean it. 

goodnight.